I tried feeding Charlie last night, he refused his cereal, so I just made him 6oz of formula.
Charlie refused to take more than 1 ounce of it, not because he was tired or sick, but because he just simply wanted to laugh and play. It was almost 11pm, certainly not time to play....
I tried a few more times to get him to eat, but again.. he refused. I gave him to his daddy and we put him to bed. I kissed him and told him I would see him in the morning, I walked out of the door, and went to work.
Work sucked, it was so busy. It was not even steady, but non-stop. I was scheduled to get off at 6am, but we were slammed, I ended up having to work over 1 hour.
I got off work at 7am, stood outside with my co-worker (Carol) we smoked a cigarette and I joked about sneak smoking.
I arrived home at 715am, I was always so very excited to see my little dude, it made my entire day just to see his beautiful smile each morning.
I walked in the door, nothing was odd or out of place, but I immediately felt strange.
On a normal day, I would open the front door, Charlie would wake up ready to eat and play, this morning, he did not even stir.
I figured that since he had been put to bed so late, much later than usual, than maybe he did not start to wake up because he was sleepy.
I took off my work shirt and started walking toward the bathroom.
When I was halfway down the hall, something felt.... wrong, it was not like Charlie to not wake up at all. He loved his mommy, he loved knowing I was home and he was going to be playing all day. But he never even made a sound.
I could hear my heart pound in my head as I turned and started walking toward his crib, I stood over him and watched his body, I held my breath and listened for any sound of breathing, but I heard nothing.
I will never forget, reaching down to touch his back and him still not moving.
It was then, I knew something was very wrong. I grabbed his arm and pulled him up enough to see his face, which was all I needed to see to know my baby was dead.
I ran into his father's room and yelled "Charles! Charlie is dead!" He yelled back, "What?" I then repeated in a final tone, "Charlie's dead." I remember hearing him say, "Oh god, what the fuck!?!" as I dropped to my knees and cried, "what am I suppose to do."
Charles held me for a few minutes before we called 911.
Everything happened so fast, The paramedics arrived first. I remember sitting beside Charlie's crib when they walked in, I was turned away from his crib. They walked over to his crib and said the last words I heard for a long time... "He's gone."
I am not sure what happened at that exact time, I just remember them saying, "Get her out of here!" and Charles walked me into the bedroom. I sat holding him and crying.
The police arrived, looked in the crib, asked us some questions and continued on doing their job.
The Coroner arrived about the same time as the detective, the coroner looked in the crib, walked in the room, sat with us and asked some questions as well. I kept watching his crib and everyone around it.
The detective also looked in his crib, said a few things, the police officers again, looked in his crib, they talked a little more. I remember getting irritated and saying, "Can you make them stop looking at him like a freak?" The coroner walked out, said a few things to them quietly, came back in and closed the door.
My cousin, Pastor Chuck, and his beautiful wife, Cookie, came over and prayed with us. They offered to do his service, we happily accepted.
I could have never imagined a day without my son. He was a wonderful baby, a complete joy to have around.
Charlie never cried, never asked for anything, never wanted anything except to be played with, loved and to be alive.
I miss my baby.
