Quiet Day

Really didn't do much today, went with your dad to run a few places he had to go...

He is taking his A+ test tomorrow.. YAY!!

not long left and I will be in class.

Watched a few shows, played the game... getting ready to go to bed soon.

Love, Mom

Prints

I remember waking up this morning, I had a headache... I know I did not drink last night, or today... but for some reason, I do not remember today. It's kind of scary..

Your hand and foot prints came in the mail today, it made me sad.
I remembered kissing your feet and holding your hands.... it just seems to get harder.

Your dad and I are going to shoot aliens for a while.. that should cheer me up a bit.

I need something else to do during the day to prevent me from thinking...

You can come home anytime you want, you know?? I really miss you a lot.

Love Always,
Mom

Appointment..,.

So, I missed my appointment, totally not my fault. I really need to get another car, soon.

Your dad is taking me to set up my classes, either Wednesday or Thursday!! I am so excited about that!

Not really anything else happened today, I will write you again tomorrow.

I love you baby,
Mom

Appointment..,.

another one...

Ok, so instead of going to bed, I am here at your Aunt Mindy's....

Your dad is really sleepy and sort of grouchy, so I decided to leave and give him a little space.

Probably going to go to get coffee with Eric for a little bit, then go back home and get some sleep..

Looking forward to my interview tomorrow afternoon, need to make some supplementary money to get keep up on the bills until after my classes and I start my new job making REAL money... I am sick of this minimum wage stuff....

I am sure your dad is too, but he is so sweet sometimes and pretends that my paychecks help, I know they don't. Your dads car payment is really far behind, but soon, that will no longer be an issue for him.

Anyways, I am starting to miss your dad already, so I will be heading home soon.

Even when your dad and I are in separate rooms from each other, I just feel a lot of comfort knowing that he is there and only a room away if I ever REALLY need him...

I like that guy..

Anyways, I will talk to you again tomorrow.

Loving and missing you always,

Mom

Mother's Day

Yeah... This is not how I planned on spending mother's day. I had so many things I wanted to do with you. I planned our day together before you were even born, it really broke my heart not to have today with you.

I didn't do anything special today, I really do not believe I will ever do anything special again.

I do have my birthday coming up... your dad is taking me to get wings and beer....

And I think I am going to finish my movie and go to bed.

Love, Mom

Rest

Nothing happened today, your dad came out early this morning and cuddled with me for a couple hours... it was very sweet and really nice.

I made a chocolate cake with cream cheese icing, it was not great...

Dad has been sleeping off and on all day, says he is well, just sleepy. I keep checking on him once in a while, he seems fine.

Thinking of cleaning the kitchen, but I may wait until tomorrow, I am quite sleepy myself.

A couple of people want me to go out with them tonight... I am not, I need to get some rest.

Daddy goes back to work tomorrow, I am off until Monday, So I guess tomorrow will be cleaning day :)

Love Always, Mom

Classes

Work sucked... I really don't even want to talk about it.

I am hoping to start STNA classes on the 18th of this month. It is a 2 week class that costs 395.00, but it pays for itself, the job you get after being certified pays, no less than 11/hr. That would be wonderful.

Had a pretty good day after work, watching your dad shoot aliens. We talked about you a few nights ago, he sure misses you a lot.

Daddy got your brother a HUGE dog bone... he is pretty much in love. Not really much else going on today, so I will talk to you tomorrow.

Missing You,
Mom

Hospital

So, I went to work... everything was fine, around 6pm I got this incredible pain in my right kidney, it was not even gradual, it hit me suddenly, almost dropping me.

I kept my pride in tact, and asked my boss to take my break... she ok'd it, I went into the bathroom and cried.. I was in so much pain. After about 15 mins, I tried to stand up to leave the bathroom, but I could not stand up, I knew then, it was time to get checked out.

I went to the ER and immediately requested NO narcotics.. I hate the way they make me feel. After giving me several different pain meds, they gave me a CT scan and my brain waves suggested my body was in excruciating pain and since my blood pressure was so high, they gave me Morphine to prevent me from having a stroke. Roughly 45 minutes later they gave me another Narcotic (I can't remember the name of it... "D..something?" This narcotic, ruined my entire night....

It's called.. Dilaudid. and it's crazy...

Anyways, turns out I have a double Kidney infection, and the pain was caused by me passing a stone from my right kidney, so it's gone... Good news right? no, I also have a nice sized one in my left kidney as well, as soon as it is ready.. it will come out too... yay me!!

The doctors sent me home with pain meds and antibiotics, I will live another day..

Love Always, Mom

Work

I used to always complain to you about the truckers flirting with me... now, when they try to flirt with me, I show them a picture of you and tell them that I am unavailable... works every time.

Work went by quickly.. which is always nice.

Daddy picked me up, we played the game a little... and, we didn't fight tonight! YAY!!

I can't think of anything else exciting that happened today, but as always.. I will write you again tomorrow.


Love, Mom

long day..

Last night, I could not stay with your Aunt Mindy, I could... but I could not stand all of the people and their lifestyles.

Really, I am not having a good time in life.. I live with the constant reminder that I am alone and useless.

I got home around 2am, took Charlie out and went to sleep. I slept until 7am, which was nice. This would be a wonderful time to have a car...

Fed Charlie breakfast and took him out, cleaned up a bit and walked to work.

Your dad picked me up from work... after last night, it was good to see him.

At home, he made us Salmon and Pasta for dinner... it was very good! as always...

Then we shot some aliens for a while, and we are back... the normal Beth and Charles... Such is life.

Work tomorrow should suck lot, BUT I get paid tomorrow as well. There is some good news after all, kind of. My check will be gone within moments of cashing it.

This time next month, the bills will be caught up and one of my checks each month will be free.

I think I need to start smoking again...

I miss you baby. I hope to see you soon.

Love, Mom

Bad Day....

Oh... where to start.

So last night, I could not sleep at all... I would fall asleep, but LITERALLY, I was waking up every 30 mins... it sucked.

Finally got up at 430am, and stayed awake. I was dreaming that I was running down a dark street, I felt like I was being chased, but every time I turned around, no one was there, so I kept running.

I heard Charlie breathing and making noises in his sleep, I was half out of it, and for some very strange reason.. I thought it was you, so I got up, ran to your crib, only to find... there was only your pictures. I fell to the ground next to your crib and cried myself back to sleep.

At 430, I got up, took a shower and brushed my teeth. Took Charlie out to potty and fed him his breakfast.

I was not, and still do not feel very well... I waited until I heard your fathers first alarm, around 715am, and went into his room, I just wanted to be comforted by him, instead... I guess I just made him mad.

So I went back out into the livingroom and cried for a few mins and began reading a little more of the A+ book your dad let me borrow.

Your dad left for work, I ate a small cup of cereal and went for a run, well... I jogged for a few mins before feeling like I was going to pass out and die, and walked instead.

Got home around 9am, read a few pages of Cosmo and closed my eyes until 11am. Got up at 11am, put my make-up on and waited for Eric to arrive to take me to work.

Work sucked, it was hot and everyone was in a bad mood. I only worked 4.25 hours and Eric picked me up from work. Your dad went to see your Aunt April, he took Charlie to play with her dogs... they got along from what he said.

At 730pm, I took your Urn and Gibson into the bathroom with me and took a long bath. Honestly... I tried to drown myself... but I couldn't hold my breath long enough... I found out later, that was the idea. Fail.... story of my life.

Went for yet another walk.. thought about you the whole time.

Talked to your dad for a little bit, started apparently arguing with him... and here I am, at Aunt Mindy's.. writing you and going to be staying here tonight.

I am so very sad, it hurts me to think that I have lost you.. and your dad.

I don't know what tomorrow may bring, and I don't know how my life is going to be after December, when I never see your father again. I already miss him, and he isn't even gone yet... however, emotionally.. it feels like he was never there.

Slow

I waited until 830pm for your dad to come home, he didn't, so we went ahead without him.

We all met at Mindy's house and walked to Verns, luckily no one drives after drinking.

We got to Verns at 930pm, lots of karaoke and dancing... we left at 230am and went to Tee Jays. I got home at 430am, turned your picture to sleeping, and went to sleep.

I didn't sleep long, woke up at 815am, took Charlie for a walk. The weather was windy, but very warm. I had to go to the store with Aunt Mindy, then I was going to come home and go for a long, windy run...

When we got out of the store, it was already pouring down rain. Fail.

Anyways, got home, took a shower... drank A LOT of water, I have been so dehydrated from last night that I have not even eaten today.

Back to work tomorrow, just a few hours... I am really going to call about my other job, or apply for a night job.

At least if I work two jobs, I might be able to get another car... I hate asking for rides.

Well, looks like a good time to start getting ready for bed...

Love, Mom

Tonight

It has been raining all day, does not create a good day to run in... I think I will just wait until tomorrow for my run.

Aunt Mindys party is tonight... Should be a lot of fun. Getting ready to leave for it now.

Your daddy was going to try to come along, but its almost 9pm and he is not home.

I will write you again tomorrow.

love, Mom