Bad Day....

Oh... where to start.

So last night, I could not sleep at all... I would fall asleep, but LITERALLY, I was waking up every 30 mins... it sucked.

Finally got up at 430am, and stayed awake. I was dreaming that I was running down a dark street, I felt like I was being chased, but every time I turned around, no one was there, so I kept running.

I heard Charlie breathing and making noises in his sleep, I was half out of it, and for some very strange reason.. I thought it was you, so I got up, ran to your crib, only to find... there was only your pictures. I fell to the ground next to your crib and cried myself back to sleep.

At 430, I got up, took a shower and brushed my teeth. Took Charlie out to potty and fed him his breakfast.

I was not, and still do not feel very well... I waited until I heard your fathers first alarm, around 715am, and went into his room, I just wanted to be comforted by him, instead... I guess I just made him mad.

So I went back out into the livingroom and cried for a few mins and began reading a little more of the A+ book your dad let me borrow.

Your dad left for work, I ate a small cup of cereal and went for a run, well... I jogged for a few mins before feeling like I was going to pass out and die, and walked instead.

Got home around 9am, read a few pages of Cosmo and closed my eyes until 11am. Got up at 11am, put my make-up on and waited for Eric to arrive to take me to work.

Work sucked, it was hot and everyone was in a bad mood. I only worked 4.25 hours and Eric picked me up from work. Your dad went to see your Aunt April, he took Charlie to play with her dogs... they got along from what he said.

At 730pm, I took your Urn and Gibson into the bathroom with me and took a long bath. Honestly... I tried to drown myself... but I couldn't hold my breath long enough... I found out later, that was the idea. Fail.... story of my life.

Went for yet another walk.. thought about you the whole time.

Talked to your dad for a little bit, started apparently arguing with him... and here I am, at Aunt Mindy's.. writing you and going to be staying here tonight.

I am so very sad, it hurts me to think that I have lost you.. and your dad.

I don't know what tomorrow may bring, and I don't know how my life is going to be after December, when I never see your father again. I already miss him, and he isn't even gone yet... however, emotionally.. it feels like he was never there.